Add A New Twist To the Same Old New Year's Resolutions

Now that the Christmas presents have been opened and the sojourn to return some of the presents that missed the mark begins at your local mall, it’s time to talk about the coming year.

Now that I’m north of forty plus, I have made more than my share of resolutions, most of which involved losing weight. In fact losing weight is the most common resolution made by the majority of people, regardless of age. To be frank, how could it not considering the number of weight loss ads that flood the airwaves just after Christmas.

Celebrities from Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Fischer, Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond and Janet Jackson are all weight loss success stories as a result of their chosen program. Now we can add Charles Barkley to the list, who as an active basketball player in the NBA refused to be a role model when he played basketball, he’s signed on to be a role model for men via Weight Watchers.

I know that we’ve heard it all before. It’s not about losing weight to look better, it’s about getting healthy. Nevertheless the subliminal message is that thinner people are happier and more successful. However, I’ve learned that if you’re not happy with who you are as a person, there isn’t a diet program, plastic surgeon or bariatric surgeon that can help. For that you need to look inward and not outward. Improve the package all you like but if you don’t deal with what the underlying problem is, you might as well be a white washed grave and all of us know what they contain.

Now I am going to suggest something radical, make a New Year’s resolution to gain more of the truly important things in your life. Strive to gain more minutes, hours, days, months and years with the people you love. Add more positive daily affirmations into your life and stop finding fault with every little body imperfection (real or perceived).

This country is way to focused on whether or not you can wear a D & G sample size than anything else. I enjoy Fashion Police as much as the next person but if I hear Joan Rivers refer to another curvy celebrity as heavy, I’m going to scream. I realize she’s old school and that’s the way her generation talks but as long as she is on television in the Millennium, curvy women have fashionable choices to wear on the red carpet and a lot of them look better than their thinner counterparts.So Ms. Rivers, if you're not referring to a boxing match or a grand piano quit using the word heavy.

Naturally I understand that as a nation we need to do more to be healthy. I believe you should eat right, get plenty of rest and exercise. I just don’t see the need to be in the gym four hours a day with a personal trainer. In fact most of us in the real world are lucky if we can get to the gym twice a week as our paydays are far less lucrative than those in Hollywood and Beverly Hills.

That’s why I say ditch the scale and start working from the inside out. Once our deep seated feelings are addressed the rest is a piece of cake (no pun intended). The confidence you’ll gain along will go a long way toward lightening your step and your heart, which will ultimately make you more attractive regardless of your size. That’s something you can’t get from a toll free number, one on one consultation or group meeting.

Life in the middle lane- Taking the Crisis out of Mid Life

At one time turning forty meant an automatic mid life crisis. Suddenly, once confident thirty-nine year-old men were desperately seeking anything to make them feel youthful again. Some, not all dumped their spouses, got a sports car and proceeded to do every mid life crisis cliché from hair plugs to tanning to dating women south of forty. In fact women south of thirty were particularly ideal.

Don’t think for a moment that I’m letting women off the hook. Granted being perimenopausal or menopausal is enough to make any woman nuts, it’s not a get out of jail free card. We may or may not have dumped our spouses for younger models (though in terms of May/December romances it seems we’re playing catch up. I prefer to call it May/Indian summer romances after all we do hit our sexual peek in our forties into our fifties. I’m just saying )  However many women north of forty have become addicted to the fountain of youth. Botox, fillers, breast and/or butt implants and liposuction are so common now, it’s hard to remember that with the exception of reconstructive surgeries (after mastectomies or accidents) plastic surgery is elective. It’s wonderful to have so many aesthetic options but looking good can only go so far. Looking youthful combined with a youthful spirit and the wisdom gained over time makes us mid lifers a triple threat. In the words of George Bernard Shaw "What a pity that youth must be wasted on the young." How many times have you said if I knew then what I know now, how different life would be.  With that in mind, I am reminded of the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda episode of Sex and the City. We can’t cry over spilled milk once it’s on the floor all we can do is clean it up, move on and try not to spill anymore milk.

For now, I’ll go back to the aesthetic since the outside is the first thing people see. Think about it. Some of the hottest people in Hollywood are north of forty. Women are still drooling over George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Wil Smith, Robert Downey Jr. (I didn’t expect to put his name there either, but did you see his shirtless clip for Sherlock Holmes?) and Denzel Washington. Ladies like Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Pamela Anderson. Demi Moore haven’t dropped the ball either.

Again they have the time and money to invest in looking good. Most have a staff of people from personal trainers to chefs to plastic surgeons who make sure they don’t have to bring sexy back, it never left.

Here in the real world the majority of us are concentrating on making ends meet and looking for a hole in our schedule when we can get a workout in or just have a little time to ourselves. Nevertheless, we have choices in the middle lane and a lot to look forward to. Perhaps it’s a career change or the pursuit of a long held passion.  Whether you’re empty nesters, still watching Nick Jr. or trying to keep up with the ever changing moods of tweens and teenagers, embrace mid life as a time for positive change. I would say that if you’re thinking about a career change, pursuing a long held passion or toying with the idea of being the next great reality star (if you’ve seen reality television, think twice about that one) it’s up to you.. You can cruise, switch it into overdrive or slow it down. Whatever the choice, you’re still in control.

Life North of Forty: How to evolve gracefully from the "It Girl" to a Woman who still has the "It" factor

 Growing up I read Glamour, Essence and Vogue when they used models for covers.  Now as the world of the celebrity obsessed universe has grown, so has the use of celebrities as cover models. From fashion magazines to tabloids celebrity (Hollywood A- list to Reality "stars") covers are everywhere.  The level of scrutiny is intense to say the least. Now a number of female celebrities who are north of forty are under constant pressure to look perfect at all times.  It's reached the point that I believe most are consulting with a stylist before they run to Starbucks. God forbid they should look normal.

I applaud the many celebrities that have managed to stay "hot" long after their starlet and ingenue days are over. However, I feel I must say something about dressing for your age.  I don't care if you can crush walnuts with your thighs or bounce quarters off your abs and posterior.  There comes a point when it begins to look like you're trying too hard. I understand that it's hard to be in a spotlight fickle business, especially for women. We are truly living in generation Next!  To paraphrase something Chris Rock said some time ago, "Here today, gone today." Therefore it's important to been seen so that you remain relevant around the water cooler.

A few weeks ago at the American Music Awards, Jennifer Lopez caused quite a stir with her outfits as well as her dance routine for her performance. Bravo Jennifer you showed the world that you've still got it. But honestly, did anyone really want to see a forty-two year-old mother of twins bump and grind like that? Luckily her children are too young to say anything but I can guarantee you that if they were eight or nine, they wouldn't be comfortable. I won't even delve into what would have happened if they were teenagers. So until they invent some way for children to erase certain images from their minds, remember your children don't want to see their mother drop it low.

By no means am I encouraging women north of forty to don habits or wear something their great grandmother wouldn't be caught dead in. If that means lowering a hemline just a little, lower it. I know all about elongating your legs but just say no to the see you next Tuesday hems. You can elongate your legs without giving the world a view usually reserved for your gynecologist.

In truth, we have come a long way ladies. There are so many sexy fashionable options for women north of forty. When you're flipping through Vogue, Essence or Glamour to name a few, look for ways to make the trends work for you. Old time Hollywood stars like Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn remained classic as they aged. Their crisp style translated over the years and they never lost the "It" factor. People were still interested in what they had to say long after their days on the screen were over.

All I'm saying is if your stylist hands you a short dress and suddenly there are a flood of baby bump rumors online and in print, you haven't gained weight, it was the dress. There's nothing wrong with flaunting your fit figure, just pick the right silhouette, length and fabric and you'll give the "It girls" a run for their money. Not only do you still have the  "It factor", you know how to use it and that's one of the benefits of being north of forty.

Parenting Generation X to Generation Y

The weird thing about being a writer and lit agent is most of my reading is limited to query letters, writing samples, publishing correspondence and industry news. However, today was one of those rare days that I was able to catch up on my reading.

I have a subscription to New York magazine. Back in October they had a cover featuring a twenty-something with the words "Sucks to be Us". It was a coming of age in post hope America by Noreen Malone. As a parent of twin Generation Y sons, the title grabbed my attention but I didn't have a chance to read it until today.

The first depressing fact was that nearly 14 percent of college graduates from the classes of 2006 through 2010 can't find full time work, and overall of 55.3 percent of people ages 16 to 29 have jobs. At an age when most of us were venturing out live an independent life, many of these young people are still at home with their parents. Some are working part time and going to grad school, while others are trying to find full time work and take classes until they can afford grad school.

To think that this generation could possibly be the first not to do as well as their parents truly frightens me. I find myself thinking about the late George Carlin. He didn't appreciate the new parenting philosophy of ,  rewarding children just for making an effort or even just showing up. When he (as well as those of us who are Boomers and Generation X) was growing up there was first, second and third place. You didn't get a ribbon for coming in last out of 25 kids and in the real world that doesn't happen. They throw parades for the teams that win the World Series and Superbowl  since at the end of the day almost winning doesn't count.

I really feel for these young people. They are competing with thousands of candidates with the same college credentials and degrees. Granted someone with a degree from the Ivy League, will have a slight advantage, which is one of the main reasons parents send them to these schools. They expect to get a return on their investment in terms of having successful, self efficient offspring, at least that's what they paid for. As for every other college graduate who may have excelled at Michigan State, Stony Brook, USC or Duke to name a few, they may find it harder to find a job despite a 3.85 GPA.

Yet I feel that technology with all its advances has put them at a disadvantage.When Generation X  was 24 years old, we had to get up, get dressed and hit the pavement resumes in hand to put job applications in., We actually sat down in an office and handed my paper application to a person, usually someone in human resources. Afterwards we waited a reasonable amount of time (usually a little less than a week) we would call for a status on my application. More often than not, we got the job. I believe that actual face time made a difference.

Still I am not an unreasonable woman. I realize the state of the economy plays a role in getting a job these days but employers have more power than ever. Most job applications are online. There are job sites where you post your resume for potential employers to see but they have the benefit of shopping around. Back in the day (I hate that phrase. I'm using it begrudgingly)  it was a little harder to say no or to avoid a job candidate if they were  in front of you and made their presence known. Now when they fill an application out online it goes out into the Internet ether on a wing and a prayer that maybe they'll get an email beyond the received application confirmation.

I really enjoyed Ms. Mallone's article but I have to say this. As your parents, it sucks to be us watching you go through this. Never did we imagine still having our adult children at home, where many of you are. Leaving home and sharing an apartment with twelve other underemployed people does not make a home although it might qualify as a frat house.

That's when I go back to the idea of hope. Hope is what made it possible for the Pilgrims to cross the Atlantic to get here. Hope is what led thousands to march on Washington for Civil Rights. Hope is what kept same sex couples fighting to have their unions legally recognized through marriage. Most of all hope and action is what we need to create a better future, despite all the rantings of the political pundits. It's time to take that self esteem we crammed into you to create a better future and if that means striking out on your own to form your own business, you should do it. A real maverick takes chances. Nevertheless the biggest gamble they make is on themselves to prove they have the right stuff to design their destiny. If you build it, they will come.

What's Weight Got To Do With It?

After a great weekend with my sweetie and his cutie pie daughter, I headed to Penn Station to head back to Long Island. As I waited , I strolled through the magazine store when the cover of the latest issue of Life & Style caught my eye. The headline screamed Desperate to be Skinny with several photos of Angelina Jolie along with a photo of Bethenny Frankel (a rear shot of her in a bikini, spine protruding) and Leann Rimes (looking even skinnier in skinny jeans)

The entertainment industry watches weight like stockbrokers watch the Dow Jones. It's on constant alert for a surge or loss of weight when it comes to female stars. I won't say that they don't talk about men but it doesn't compare to women in Hollywood. In fact Entertainment tonight nearly devoted its entire show to Hollywood Weight Wars http://www.etonline,com/gallery/featured/116240_Hollywood_Weight_Wars/index.html with a gallery of stars with a luminary  like Oprah (who's struggles with her weight have been front and center for years) to Jennifer Hudson. Oprah is the richest woman in the world, Jennifer Hudson is a Grammy and Oscar winning actress, Angelina Jolie is another Oscar winning actress and Bethenny Frankel (love her or hate her) is a business and branding success story. Is it any wonder that women of all ages struggle with what they see in the mirror? More importantly, we need to send a message to young girls so they will aspire to do more than try to land a man, modeling gig or reality show by being the prettiest girl in the room. Why not show them women who are engineers, architects, professors, doctors or lawyers? What's wrong with that? What's weight got to do with that kind of success? Don't forget, pretty fades but no one can take your degree away.

From the time we are little girls (Barbie dolls and the like) the unsaid message is all about being pretty. Then as teenagers when we're already fighting hormone changes and breakouts it's all about being one of the it girls. No one asked the average size girls out because they were considered fat. In fact I know women (including me) who would give their eye teeth to go back in time and tell their younger selves they were not fat, they were hot. Because damn it, I was and I didn't know it.

Now that I am north of forty, I've become more comfortable with my body. I've been through a few physical challenges that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but it taught me valuable lessons about the fragility of life.
The life you knew can change on a dime with a reading of test results. Just this morning I read that Guiliana Rancic will undergo a double mastectomy after her lumpectomy didn't remove all the cancer. Here is a woman who's the epitome of an American success story. She has a great job on E, a great husband, a show on the Style network, access to designers and celebrities all before the age of forty. Yet her life has been touched by cancer and she's had to make adjustments. As a cancer survivor, I feel for her. I truly hope she gets a clean bill of health.


Moreover, being thin doesn't make you less likely to have personal problems (love life, marriage, dating or cheating significant others ). I'm not saying that full figured women have it any easier in that area, but love and heart break are equal opportunity. 

However, I believe change begins with one person and sets off a chain reaction. I am all for being healthy and doing what you can to promote better health but  I would love to challenge the morning shows to one week without a weight segment. That means no stories on how much a celebrity has lost (with Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers etc) or gained. Instead focus on well adjusted women who are living their lives in a healthy matter with no focus on tag or scale numbers because as women we are more than the sum of our parts 

In terms of doing my part, I am teaming with Sheri Collins to write Down That Aisle: A Celebration of Romance & Style for Curvy Brides. We recently launched a search for curvy brides to be in the Tri-State area to help curvy brides shop for their wedding gowns without trauma. We are doing a companion we series which we pitched the series to WE TV, Oxygen, Style and Bravo. We are waiting to see which one of them will take a chance and actually put two average size women (size 14 and 18) on television without a treadmill in sight. I will keep you posted

Tis The Season To Remember

This morning when I flipped my calendar over, I couldn't believe that it's December. Growing up it seemed like Christmas took its time to get here but now that many of us are parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents, the holidays sneak up us on and our wallets much more quickly.
Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, the meaning of the season gets lost in a hail of one day specials and sales. People will put themselves into hock just to get the latest toy, gadget or outfit for the people on their shopping list.

As I watch the growing disparity between the rich, poor and middle class, I can't help but think about what's happening in Washington while the majority of us are tightening our belts..The statement that Nero fiddled while Rome burned comes to mind.

In a country where we practically worship youth, we don't seem to pay attention to what will happen to us as we age. People who were born at the tail end of the Baby Boomer era are beginning to hit fifty. While those born in the beginning of Generation X are beginning to hit their mid-forties (yours truly included) in either case we are beginning to look at Social Security and what will happen when we reach the age to receive the benefits. Will it be there for us? Moreover will ir be there for our children?

Over the next year we will hear countless debates about Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid as entitlement programs that should be cut in order to bring our national debt under control. But the truth is people on fixed incomes (Social Security, Social Security Disability and SSI) are not sitting at home eating Porterhouse steaks, sipping on champagne or driving around in the newest Mercedes model., they are at home facing decisions like should they buy food or pay for medication. If they had a choice to be well enough to work and earn a living, I can assure you they'd do it in a heartbeat.

I have MS. It's a progressive form so it's likely that I will be in a wheelchair in ten years. That is not to say that I've given up. I am doing everything I possibly can to stay on my feet with my trusty third leg (crutch). One medication costs in excess of 3500.00 per month. That's not a typo. In fact it doesn't include the money I have to spend on medications to help control pain and the orthotics I need to help me with foot drop (that's dragging your foot when you walk).

With the other costs associated with living in New York (or anywhere else for that matter), I have to limit my Christmas spending.so I can pay the utilities, oil and food. So when I hear that a millionaire won a lottery jackpot or that the Khardashians made more money in 2011 than several A-list celebrities combined, I get a little ticked off. Indeed how can we get ahead here in America? I'm not ready to put my life under the microscope for all to see. Instead I use my brain to write.

I've written and had ten books published. You would think that would put me in the Steele, Patterson and King neck of the woods but it hasn't. Like a number of writers, I have to compete with television reality show personalities du jour and celebrities  to get a book deal.  Nearly every Real Housewife has used the show to promote their platform. I'm not mad at them for that. But wasn't it Andy Warhol that said everyone would have 15 minutes of fame? It seems these 'stars' have hit the snooze button for more than an hour. I will admit it occasionally grates my nerves.

However, when I allow those feelings to pass, I remember what this season is all about. It's about giving and not just presents. It's about donating time to shelters, helping elderly neighbors out, sharing a meal with family and all of the things you can't wrap up with a bow.. Keep this in mind and we'll be giving our loved ones something they will always remember and treasure long after the tree comes down and all the ornaments have been put away.

Celebrity Weight Loss Stories- Do they inspire or bring on defeatistism?

This morning, I had barely made gotten through my first cup of coffee when I was hit with a story about how Kelly Preston got her body back after having her son at 48 years-old. She credited her friend, Kirstie Alley, who had her own very public battle with the bulge until she shed it all on The Biggest Loser: Celebrity Edition more commonly known as Dancing With the Stars after she began her own weight loss program.

According to Ms. Preston's interview in People magazine "I lost 39 pounds, have more energy than I had 20 years ago – and I feel amazing, I’m going to be turning 50 next year … Hey, 50 is the new 30.”  People's senior editor Michelle Tan, went on to say " that Preston “really is a poster child for somebody who is going to be forever young … she also started a new chapter in her life she’s happier than ever with her new baby.”

While I am all for feeling good and being happy and healthy over forty. I am both a 17 year cancer survivor and someone who's been living with MS for nearly 16 years. Clearly, I know the importance of health. However, the media constantly bombards us with images of thin people, leaving many to believe the key to happiness is through a diet plan.

 With examples like Padman Lakshmi, 40 and Mariah Carey, 40 who recently became the latest celebrity spokesperson for Jenny Craig, it's no wonder that women put so much pressure on themselves to bounce back to their pre-baby bodies quickly after baby arrives. Let's face it the truth is it's harder to lose weight over forty. Our metabolism is a bit slower. Not to mention that there may be a few more aches and pains when we arise to head to the gym or do our morning exercise routine. Combine these factors with the tendency to set unrealistic goals. (i.e. losing twenty pounds in a month)and it's not exactly the recipe for weight loss success or happiness.

One of the benefits of being north of forty is the wisdom that we've hopefully acquired over the years. This means that we should know the key to a healthy body and mind begins with self love; a love that includes body acceptance, setting realistic goals and living a healthy lifestyle, none of which happens overnight and it doesn't come in a pill.  If you're a woman who had a baby over forty and it's taking a little longer to get the weight off, do not fret or compare yourself to Hollywood moms. These ladies have the time, money, personal trainers, nannies and chefs to help whip them into shape sooner rather than later.  Take your time and enjoy being a new mother, it's worth it. When the time is right talk to your doctor to devise a healthy plan to get the weight off. In the meantime don't beat yourself up if you can't get to the gym four times a week like you used to. Make the baby a part of your home workout and have fun. The weight will fall off.

Now if you're like me and all done with having babies but you're not ready to rock a bikini, I have the same advice. Relax. Halle Berry, Helen Mirren, Madonna and Angela Bassett have the time and money to devote to staying in shape. Focus on eating well balanced meals, getting plenty of rest and find an exercise routine you enjoy.

Due to my condition (secondary progressive MS) I do a modified Yoga program. I also have Celiac disease, so that's eliminated a number of foods from my diet. And for those of you who don't have the disease but want to try a gluten free diet to lose weight, find another (tastier and less expensive way) to go. Believe me, if you have Celiac you are not happy to pay $7.00 for a loaf of bread you have to keep in the freezer.

The bottom line for me is to be happy in your skin. Being thin doesn't mean you're any happier and in some cases any healthier than full figured women (and men). Some of the most attractive people in Hollywood don't have any more success in their pursuit of love and relationships than the next (probably bigger) person.  Therefore what's on the inside matters just as much if not more than what you look like on the outside.

To that end my friend and business partner, Sheri Collins we are working on Down That Aisle: A Celebration of Romance & Style for Curvy Brides. It's a follow up to my first book Down That Aisle With A Wedding Guide for Full Figured Women.

We recently launched a search for curvy brides to be in the Tri-State area to help them shop for their wedding gowns, which can be traumatic since most bridal salons still don't carry sizes larger than a 16 (which in bridal speak is really about a 12). This experience usually leads to meltdowns and crash diets, reinforced by the tons of weight loss segments on morning television geared toward women.

There isn't a week that goes by that a morning program doesn't have overt or covert segments on weight loss.  ABC's Dancing With The Stars, which in my opinion is really a version of Celebrity Biggest Loser only wrapped up in Spandex and sequins.
It bothers me that with all the gains (no pun intended) women have made in business, entertainment, politics and more weight and body image is still something we struggle with.

I would love to challenge the morning shows to one week without a weight segment. That means no stories on how much a celebrity has lost (with Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers etc) or gained. Instead focus on well adjusted women who are living their lives in a healthy matter with no focus on tag or scale numbers. I am doing my part with this second book project which will also be a web series as well. We pitched the series to WE TV, Oxygen, Style and Bravo. We are waiting to see which one of them will take a chance and actually put two average size women (size 16 and 18) on television without a treadmill in sight.  Stay tuned.

Stop Watching and Start Living

Over the past couple of evenings, I've watched the latest Atlanta and Beverly Hills Real Housewives episodes and while I agree that we need a little guilty pleasure in our lives to help us cope with our reality, I felt it was time to talk about putting the remote down and begin living life as opposed to watching it.

In terms of reality television,. we know that"reality" is a misnomer. Reality shows are about as real as a three dollar bill. Yet millions of people tune in to watch the Housewives and Khardashians every week. What about your reality? Doesn't that deserve a little attention too?

Middle age doesn't represent the end of the road or the death of dreams. In fact, if we're smart we will use this time to pursue goals and go after things we've long dreamed about. However that will require some action on our part, which means we should turn the television off, or at least DVR the programs, and get started on whatever is in our hearts to do. One of the high points of getting older is that we are supposed to get wiser. Why play Monday morning armchair quarterback in your life? Get out there and make something happen.

Granted it's much easier said than done. Many of us have responsibilities to our families, work or might be battling a chronic illness. Yet that shouldn't stop us from carving out time for ourselves. Whether it's writing a novel, starting a business, painting, designing clothes or whatever. Carpe Diem! Seize the day!  Life is a precious gift, it isn't a dress rehearsal, it's the real show.. So instead of watching Lisa, Kim, Ne Ne and Bethenny to name a few, take a page from their book and go after what you want.

Though I am talking a great game, I know this is especially hard for me. Again without getting into religion, I was involved in one that told me that if I were to leave it nothing good would happen for me. I would be worse than a dog returning to its vomit. How's that for imagery? I spent years waiting for the other shoe to drop because that statement was ingrained in my mind. It stopped me from moving forward and taking risks. It took almost 17 years before I got the courage to expel those words from my mind and I have been better for it.
I started writing and I've been published. I have continued to pursue my writing career. I hope to have not only another wedding book and companion show for Down That Aisle A Celebration of Romance and Style for Curvy Brides. I hope to take a few of my romance novels to the big or small screen, most notably Not His Type, Indigo Books which just came out on Kindle, Nook, iPad and other e-readers. I finally realized that thinking about it wasn't going to be enough, I had to take action.

Moreover, I didn't want to be a hypocrite in front of my sons. I am always encouraging them to put down the controller and get out there and live life. I'm also going to be a first time aunt in a few weeks when my neice or nephew enters the world and I'd like to be someone he or she can look up to. I want them to say my aunt, came, she saw and she did.  So as a condition of being. North of Forty Plus, I'm practicing what I preach.

It's all uphill- Parenting My Adult Children

In May of 1987, I welcomed the greatest gifts, my twins Sean and Scott into the world. Sean was 5lbs 6 oz and Scott was 5lbs even. I was thrilled and completely overwhelmed. I had two babies who depended on me to take care of them and it was an awesome and daunting responsibility. I was so happy the first week in the hospital after the c-section that the nurses were there but once I took them home, I have to be honest I let my mother change their clothes because they were so little, I thought I would break them for sure.

Eventually, I got over my fear. I was their mother.In the beginning, I nursed them until I got tired of looking like Rocky Raccoon and feeling like a Seven-Eleven, open 24 hours a day. My pediatrician put them on formula and though I'd already seen a stark difference in their emerging personalities, the change to formula put a spotlight on it.
Sean was an Enfamil baby. He didn't like pacifiers, preferred Evenflow bottles and was a night owl while Scott was on Isomil, loved pacifiers, Playtex bottles and could fall asleep at the drop of a hat. The different as night and day theme continued as they grew up. In band, Scott played percussion. He was and still is a master of the drums. Sean played the low woodwind instruments, clarinet, bass clarinet, tenor sax and the piano, all much quieter instruments in keeping with his more low key personality.

I won't got into the details of their childhood and the fun I had in their teen years, as they may not appreciate the sharing of that information. However, I will say that now that they are adults, being a parent has become more challenging. I know there are many other parents who are pacing the floors at night with a restless baby or staying up waiting for a teen to return from a party who believe that they are facing the most difficulty and stress. But believe it or not, you actually have it easier. It sounds crazy but it's true.

As we grow with our children, the relationship changes. I now have an adult relationship with my sons. That is not to say that I am my sons' friend. I'm not. I am their mother. They have plenty of friends, they have one mother. Navigating the relationship is tricky to say the least because at one time I was their decision maker. Now I have to step back and watch as they make decisions, good, bad or indifferent, while resisting my instinct to swoop in and solve the problem or take care of a situation they've gotten themselves into. It's something I struggle with. It probably doesn't help that their grandparents will question me about their decisions and what they are or aren't doing.

My parents were born in the early forties and I am a part of Generation X. The things my children had and still have access to weren't around when I was growing up. My children's generation didn't use the Dewey Decimal System to write book reports or research papers at the library, all they had to do was an online search on the computer at home or school. They were allowed to bring a calculator to take the SAT test. My calculator was that yellow scratch paper that the test monitor collected when I finished and somehow even with my deep seated hatred of math I scored around 1100 plus. Things were different for them. Technology both helped and harmed their generation in many ways. There is a sense of entitlement in Generation Y/ Millennial that's not present in previous generations and Generation X parents have to take some of the blame for this. Our parents were so tough on us, that a number of us decided to be the complete opposite and gave our children things we didn't have. So in a sense we've handicapped them and they're unprepared for the realities of life, resulting in what I call the revolving door.

The revolving door is the adult/child door. One minute they go through the adult door because they are old enough to make their own decisions. The next minute it's the child door when they need your help, usually financially to get out of a jam they put themselves in. That's why it's such an uphill battle. No one wants their child to suffer but how many times can you ride to the rescue before you become the permanent fall back?
I realize how lucky I am to have two great sons who really haven't given me much in the way of trouble. I just want them to enjoy their lives and be successful. They're both smart and talented. As I told my son Sean yesterday, he can't be a spectator when it comes to his life. He has to be out on the field and up at the plate taking swings, baseball is his favorite sport so it was the most fitting analogy I could use for him. He knows that no matter what he chooses to do that I will be there cheering him on and the same goes for his brother Scott. Twins are quite interesting to raise to say the least, that's why I quit while I was ahead. I was batting 1000 when I got this two for one.

I will say that I take my hat off to anyone who has more than two children. I don't know how they do it. Although when it comes to the Duggar family, I take my hat off to scratch my head. They are having their 25th child? Either they really love children or they're just plain crazy. I tend to believe the latter.

I look at it this way. We have seven holes in our head that all serve a purpose, two eyes, two ears, a nostril with 2 sides and a mouth. While adding another hole might sound like a good idea, it isn't. Seven is enough. So 24 is way more than enough children. But to each his or her own. Hope they don't wind up like Kate and her eight if or when the television spotlight and object fascination of the public at large goes away.. Good luck to them.

Thanksgiving - Keeping the Thanks in Thanksgiving

I suppose it's a reflection of my age but I remember when grocery stores were the only thing open for Thanksgiving. Back then department stores actually put up the Christmas decorations after Thanksgiving. Now we're bombarded with Christmas ads in late October and department stores deck their halls before you put the Halloween candy away..

 Though I don't have the same energy to put into cooking I once did, I love Thanksgiving for what it truly means. A time to come together with family and friends to break bread, laugh, watch some football and make new memories. With stores like Target and Walmart opening on Thanksgiving eve, I fear that the siren song of Black Friday deals have drowned out what the holidays are really about.

I realize that many of us are struggling financially. According to the expert economists the economy is on a slow rebound and things may get worse before they get better. My great grandmother always said that it's always darkest before the dawn and there is light ahead but let's not forget the truly precious things that can't be found in the aisles of Target, Kmart, Macy's or any other store.

I'm talking about love. Diamonds.may be a girl's best friend but the love of a husband, boyfriend, fiance or partner outshines the largest gem.  Someone who stands by you through thick and thin is worth their weight in gold.

Good health is something else you can't tie up in a nice little package. Many of us who are fighting chronic illnesses would gladly trade anything to have a pain free day.  Heck I would trade anything for a pain free hour. Life is tough and when Thanksgiving comes around , I get to show my love for my family by cooking a meal or making a cheesecake, chocolate cake or some dish or drink I know they enjoy.

Maybe it's because I don't have the energy to run with the bulls at midnight at Walmart that I'm waxing nostalgic about a holiday that I think is getting lost in the shuffle. So I just want to say that I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving. And if you are going out for Black Friday, don't forget your protective gear and maybe use a few football moves to make sure you don't get caught in the pocket.

Happy Thanksgiving









 

Getting ready for Thanksgiving

If you would have told me twenty five years ago that I would get up every morning and willingly watch sports news, I would have told you that you were crazy.  Once I had sons, I had to get on the ESPN bandwagon. Growing up Scott and Sean were practically my personal big desk sports anchors. They kept me up to date on every sport whether I liked the particular sport was irrelevant. I was going to get all the news. So you would think that once they left for college, I would indulge in morning shows like GMA, The Today Show or The Early Show but I didn't. After the weather, ESPN is the first thing I watch, especially as this nation has become more politicized and not in a good way.  I'm a Democrat and a Liberal but even I couldn't take the morning talk (or bashing) of George W Bush.  Now with President Obama, it seems things have gotten worse.

If there is anything life north of forty has taught me, is how quickly time flies and how your health can change in a flash. Illness does more than devastate  your body it changes your way of life.  I've seen people go through their savings to pay hospital and medical testing bills. Many are forced to choose between food and needed medication. I can tell you that having a chronic illness is not cheap. I am positive that anyone who is getting Social Security disability or Social Security would give it up in a second for better health and the ability to work.  However, they are not sitting at home eating lobster and caviar on the taxpayer's dime. They are scouring the store circulars for sales on tuna, soup or frozen vegetables. They aren't living la vida loca.

 As a author and a literary agent with a tiny firm (just me and some interns) I have not become a rich woman. I work hard for my clients, many of whom are published but like every other industry, publishing has taken a hit. No one saw the handwriting on the wall as technology turned ordinary cell phones into mobile information centers.  People can check email, update their Facebook status, Tweet and yes download and read novels. Even the most stalwart of paper publishers has been forced to enter the e-book world. My publisher Genesis started putting our more recent titles on Kindle, Nook and  iPad. Now they are going back and making older titles available as well. They had to if they wanted to stay competitive in the romance market.

Other smaller publishers are following suit and since a number of my clients are with small publishers that makes me happy. Hopefully these talented writers will get the exposure they need and the public will discover new voices.

Wednesday is the day I give myself an intramuscular MS injection. To say it isn't fun, is an understatement but it's what I must do. There are side effects but at this point in my illness, I really don't have a choice. Hopefully they will go away by tomorrow and I can enjoy the holiday with family.

Here's to a happy and healthy Thanksgiving for everyone. 

Welcome to Life North of Forty

As women over forty we are no longer invisible or relegated to the background. Even in Hollywood where youth is a hot commodity, actresses over 40 still have their pick of starring roles. The days of  Driving Miss Daisy, DA or grandmother roles are over.

Advertisers and publishing have jumped on the bandwagon too. Lauded fashion magazines include models, features and even cover girls who are north of forty. We even have a magazine dedicated to help women over 40 feel and stay relevant as we reinvent our lives.

I am all for reinvention but the pictures I see in the magazines are far different from the one I'm living and I am sure I am not alone.. While I congratulate and support all the women making entrepreneurial strides, still climbing the corporate ladder, running for office or traveling the world, it's just not my reality..

I know that a lot of women in my neck of the woods are in different stages of motherhood. Some like me, have adult children. Others are trying to navigate the hormonal mine field known as the teenage years. Still other mothers are trying to keep up with the ever changing tastes of the tween years, Jonas Brothers, Beiber and any shirtless male from Twilight.

Then there are the women like my sister, who at 41 is having her first child. The happiness I feel for my sister and brother-in-law is genuine but tempered with a bit of guilt. When their child enters the world my parents will finally have the joy of really being grandparents. That's not to say they didn't enjoy being grandparents with my sons but it will be different as this new baby is entering into a two parent household. Like many people, I had high hopes for the same thing when my sons were born but it didn't work out.

I got married at the too young age of 19. My ex-husband was 23. Looking back now, I realize that we were both kids. Why did we get married so young? Without getting into religious specifics it was the only way hormonal young people could date let alone have sex. By the time I was 21 I was the mother of twins and my ex-husband had one foot out the door. He was gone before they were 18 months old. Motherhood is a wonderful yet frightening proposition at any age but at 23 with no husband to help financially or emotionally support raising two sons, I was terrified. Fortunately,  my parents and my sister stepped in to help raise my children and their support helped me transition into single motherhood and another major battle, uterine cancer.

Again this was something that wasn't supposed to happen because of my age. However, cancer like every other disease is equal opportunity. I spent the majority of my twenties going through treatment, biopsies and surgeries all while working, and getting my degree online through Empire State College. It was exhausting, but when it comes to a battle to save your life,  you can expect nothing less.
Thankfully, I managed to come out on the side of victory just short of my 29th birthday. I was ready to embrace life and move forward..I made plans and started my wedding business, a long time passion of mine until I was sidelined with MS. Though cancer changed my life in a lot of ways, the effects of MS were long term. Up until then I had been able to work a traditional nine to five job as a paralegal but episodes began to make it hard to work. A spinal tap left me unable to walk for several months and once I was on my feet, I needed to use two crutches to get around. And don't let anyone fool you, MS is painful.

I have always been the type of person who needed to channel my pain into something productive and for a long time that meant baking. I still bake but I opened up to another passion of mine, writing. I penned my first novel in 2000 MS Doesn't Stand For Multiple Sclerosis. In 2002 I wrote, You're Getting Married? But it wasn't until I wrote Down That Aisle In Style A Wedding Guide for Full Figured Women, that I really began to hit my stride. I've never been a little woman. I was a big baby who turned into a full figured woman. It was something that used to bother me but after dealing with two major illnesses, I realized it just wasn't that deep

As a divorced mother in my thirties, I was busy with my sons. I was lucky enough to find a relationship with a man who could look past my condition and we were good for each other for a long time. Things changed as I watched my baby boys grow up and before I knew it, I was sending them off to college. The separation anxiety I felt when they got on the bus for kindergarten flooded back with a vengeance. I was going to be alone but then I thought that it was the beginning of a new chapter for me and my then boyfriend. I wanted to travel, see shows, go to the beach and do some of the things I missed out on in my twenties. He wasn't interested, so we split up

I went back to my trusty pen and began writing. In 2007 Genesis Press published Not His Type, my first romance novel. I received a Romantic Times Award. I followed it with Bliss Inc., The More Things Change, Waiting for Mr. Darcy, Mixed Reality and I Take This Woman. All my novels have the common thread of being still a chick lit. Fiction for women north of forty.

I realized that through my writing I am constructing the life I wanted to live.My characters are all successful women who are either looking for love or have found it but life keeps getting in the way. Writing also helps me get away from the harsh realities of my life north of forty plus. Though I've written nearly ten books, I still struggle to stretch my budget. Being an author sounds more glamorous than it is. Most authors cannot quit their day jobs to write full time, which is why you'll hear an undercurrent of disdain when some big publisher gives a lucrative contract to a 24 year old oompa loompa from the Jersey Shore, to write about her life while my twin 24 year old sons who went to college still live at home with me and are having a hard time finding employment. Who knew that alcoholism and a proclivity to fist pumping was all one needed to become an overnight sensation? Then there is the Real Housewives franchises, most of the women are over 40 and leading what seems to be fabulously wonderful lives. If I would have known that, I would have camped out in the lobby of 30 Rock until Andy Cohen showed up to pitch another reality show, the Real Lives of Women North of Forty Plus. What could be more dramatic than watching a woman with two autoimmune diseases, secondary progressive MS and Celiac try to figure out how I am going to pay for my health insurance and the light bill every month. Not only have I robbed Peter to pay Paul, I've knocked over all twelve apostles.  Like a number of women out there working hard, David Copperfield has nothing in his bag of tricks that could rival that..

So since Andy hasn't returned my calls, I am going to document my life with all it's funny ups and downs. I am still writing novels and wedding books. I haven't given up hope on having a Khardashian size empire without the sex tape, even though sex over 40 is pretty hot :-) but that's why I keep it in the pages of my novels. Much to the relief of my boyfriend, sons and parents.