Add A New Twist To the Same Old New Year's Resolutions

Now that the Christmas presents have been opened and the sojourn to return some of the presents that missed the mark begins at your local mall, it’s time to talk about the coming year.

Now that I’m north of forty plus, I have made more than my share of resolutions, most of which involved losing weight. In fact losing weight is the most common resolution made by the majority of people, regardless of age. To be frank, how could it not considering the number of weight loss ads that flood the airwaves just after Christmas.

Celebrities from Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Fischer, Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond and Janet Jackson are all weight loss success stories as a result of their chosen program. Now we can add Charles Barkley to the list, who as an active basketball player in the NBA refused to be a role model when he played basketball, he’s signed on to be a role model for men via Weight Watchers.

I know that we’ve heard it all before. It’s not about losing weight to look better, it’s about getting healthy. Nevertheless the subliminal message is that thinner people are happier and more successful. However, I’ve learned that if you’re not happy with who you are as a person, there isn’t a diet program, plastic surgeon or bariatric surgeon that can help. For that you need to look inward and not outward. Improve the package all you like but if you don’t deal with what the underlying problem is, you might as well be a white washed grave and all of us know what they contain.

Now I am going to suggest something radical, make a New Year’s resolution to gain more of the truly important things in your life. Strive to gain more minutes, hours, days, months and years with the people you love. Add more positive daily affirmations into your life and stop finding fault with every little body imperfection (real or perceived).

This country is way to focused on whether or not you can wear a D & G sample size than anything else. I enjoy Fashion Police as much as the next person but if I hear Joan Rivers refer to another curvy celebrity as heavy, I’m going to scream. I realize she’s old school and that’s the way her generation talks but as long as she is on television in the Millennium, curvy women have fashionable choices to wear on the red carpet and a lot of them look better than their thinner counterparts.So Ms. Rivers, if you're not referring to a boxing match or a grand piano quit using the word heavy.

Naturally I understand that as a nation we need to do more to be healthy. I believe you should eat right, get plenty of rest and exercise. I just don’t see the need to be in the gym four hours a day with a personal trainer. In fact most of us in the real world are lucky if we can get to the gym twice a week as our paydays are far less lucrative than those in Hollywood and Beverly Hills.

That’s why I say ditch the scale and start working from the inside out. Once our deep seated feelings are addressed the rest is a piece of cake (no pun intended). The confidence you’ll gain along will go a long way toward lightening your step and your heart, which will ultimately make you more attractive regardless of your size. That’s something you can’t get from a toll free number, one on one consultation or group meeting.

Life in the middle lane- Taking the Crisis out of Mid Life

At one time turning forty meant an automatic mid life crisis. Suddenly, once confident thirty-nine year-old men were desperately seeking anything to make them feel youthful again. Some, not all dumped their spouses, got a sports car and proceeded to do every mid life crisis cliché from hair plugs to tanning to dating women south of forty. In fact women south of thirty were particularly ideal.

Don’t think for a moment that I’m letting women off the hook. Granted being perimenopausal or menopausal is enough to make any woman nuts, it’s not a get out of jail free card. We may or may not have dumped our spouses for younger models (though in terms of May/December romances it seems we’re playing catch up. I prefer to call it May/Indian summer romances after all we do hit our sexual peek in our forties into our fifties. I’m just saying )  However many women north of forty have become addicted to the fountain of youth. Botox, fillers, breast and/or butt implants and liposuction are so common now, it’s hard to remember that with the exception of reconstructive surgeries (after mastectomies or accidents) plastic surgery is elective. It’s wonderful to have so many aesthetic options but looking good can only go so far. Looking youthful combined with a youthful spirit and the wisdom gained over time makes us mid lifers a triple threat. In the words of George Bernard Shaw "What a pity that youth must be wasted on the young." How many times have you said if I knew then what I know now, how different life would be.  With that in mind, I am reminded of the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda episode of Sex and the City. We can’t cry over spilled milk once it’s on the floor all we can do is clean it up, move on and try not to spill anymore milk.

For now, I’ll go back to the aesthetic since the outside is the first thing people see. Think about it. Some of the hottest people in Hollywood are north of forty. Women are still drooling over George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Wil Smith, Robert Downey Jr. (I didn’t expect to put his name there either, but did you see his shirtless clip for Sherlock Holmes?) and Denzel Washington. Ladies like Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Pamela Anderson. Demi Moore haven’t dropped the ball either.

Again they have the time and money to invest in looking good. Most have a staff of people from personal trainers to chefs to plastic surgeons who make sure they don’t have to bring sexy back, it never left.

Here in the real world the majority of us are concentrating on making ends meet and looking for a hole in our schedule when we can get a workout in or just have a little time to ourselves. Nevertheless, we have choices in the middle lane and a lot to look forward to. Perhaps it’s a career change or the pursuit of a long held passion.  Whether you’re empty nesters, still watching Nick Jr. or trying to keep up with the ever changing moods of tweens and teenagers, embrace mid life as a time for positive change. I would say that if you’re thinking about a career change, pursuing a long held passion or toying with the idea of being the next great reality star (if you’ve seen reality television, think twice about that one) it’s up to you.. You can cruise, switch it into overdrive or slow it down. Whatever the choice, you’re still in control.

Life North of Forty: How to evolve gracefully from the "It Girl" to a Woman who still has the "It" factor

 Growing up I read Glamour, Essence and Vogue when they used models for covers.  Now as the world of the celebrity obsessed universe has grown, so has the use of celebrities as cover models. From fashion magazines to tabloids celebrity (Hollywood A- list to Reality "stars") covers are everywhere.  The level of scrutiny is intense to say the least. Now a number of female celebrities who are north of forty are under constant pressure to look perfect at all times.  It's reached the point that I believe most are consulting with a stylist before they run to Starbucks. God forbid they should look normal.

I applaud the many celebrities that have managed to stay "hot" long after their starlet and ingenue days are over. However, I feel I must say something about dressing for your age.  I don't care if you can crush walnuts with your thighs or bounce quarters off your abs and posterior.  There comes a point when it begins to look like you're trying too hard. I understand that it's hard to be in a spotlight fickle business, especially for women. We are truly living in generation Next!  To paraphrase something Chris Rock said some time ago, "Here today, gone today." Therefore it's important to been seen so that you remain relevant around the water cooler.

A few weeks ago at the American Music Awards, Jennifer Lopez caused quite a stir with her outfits as well as her dance routine for her performance. Bravo Jennifer you showed the world that you've still got it. But honestly, did anyone really want to see a forty-two year-old mother of twins bump and grind like that? Luckily her children are too young to say anything but I can guarantee you that if they were eight or nine, they wouldn't be comfortable. I won't even delve into what would have happened if they were teenagers. So until they invent some way for children to erase certain images from their minds, remember your children don't want to see their mother drop it low.

By no means am I encouraging women north of forty to don habits or wear something their great grandmother wouldn't be caught dead in. If that means lowering a hemline just a little, lower it. I know all about elongating your legs but just say no to the see you next Tuesday hems. You can elongate your legs without giving the world a view usually reserved for your gynecologist.

In truth, we have come a long way ladies. There are so many sexy fashionable options for women north of forty. When you're flipping through Vogue, Essence or Glamour to name a few, look for ways to make the trends work for you. Old time Hollywood stars like Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn remained classic as they aged. Their crisp style translated over the years and they never lost the "It" factor. People were still interested in what they had to say long after their days on the screen were over.

All I'm saying is if your stylist hands you a short dress and suddenly there are a flood of baby bump rumors online and in print, you haven't gained weight, it was the dress. There's nothing wrong with flaunting your fit figure, just pick the right silhouette, length and fabric and you'll give the "It girls" a run for their money. Not only do you still have the  "It factor", you know how to use it and that's one of the benefits of being north of forty.

Parenting Generation X to Generation Y

The weird thing about being a writer and lit agent is most of my reading is limited to query letters, writing samples, publishing correspondence and industry news. However, today was one of those rare days that I was able to catch up on my reading.

I have a subscription to New York magazine. Back in October they had a cover featuring a twenty-something with the words "Sucks to be Us". It was a coming of age in post hope America by Noreen Malone. As a parent of twin Generation Y sons, the title grabbed my attention but I didn't have a chance to read it until today.

The first depressing fact was that nearly 14 percent of college graduates from the classes of 2006 through 2010 can't find full time work, and overall of 55.3 percent of people ages 16 to 29 have jobs. At an age when most of us were venturing out live an independent life, many of these young people are still at home with their parents. Some are working part time and going to grad school, while others are trying to find full time work and take classes until they can afford grad school.

To think that this generation could possibly be the first not to do as well as their parents truly frightens me. I find myself thinking about the late George Carlin. He didn't appreciate the new parenting philosophy of ,  rewarding children just for making an effort or even just showing up. When he (as well as those of us who are Boomers and Generation X) was growing up there was first, second and third place. You didn't get a ribbon for coming in last out of 25 kids and in the real world that doesn't happen. They throw parades for the teams that win the World Series and Superbowl  since at the end of the day almost winning doesn't count.

I really feel for these young people. They are competing with thousands of candidates with the same college credentials and degrees. Granted someone with a degree from the Ivy League, will have a slight advantage, which is one of the main reasons parents send them to these schools. They expect to get a return on their investment in terms of having successful, self efficient offspring, at least that's what they paid for. As for every other college graduate who may have excelled at Michigan State, Stony Brook, USC or Duke to name a few, they may find it harder to find a job despite a 3.85 GPA.

Yet I feel that technology with all its advances has put them at a disadvantage.When Generation X  was 24 years old, we had to get up, get dressed and hit the pavement resumes in hand to put job applications in., We actually sat down in an office and handed my paper application to a person, usually someone in human resources. Afterwards we waited a reasonable amount of time (usually a little less than a week) we would call for a status on my application. More often than not, we got the job. I believe that actual face time made a difference.

Still I am not an unreasonable woman. I realize the state of the economy plays a role in getting a job these days but employers have more power than ever. Most job applications are online. There are job sites where you post your resume for potential employers to see but they have the benefit of shopping around. Back in the day (I hate that phrase. I'm using it begrudgingly)  it was a little harder to say no or to avoid a job candidate if they were  in front of you and made their presence known. Now when they fill an application out online it goes out into the Internet ether on a wing and a prayer that maybe they'll get an email beyond the received application confirmation.

I really enjoyed Ms. Mallone's article but I have to say this. As your parents, it sucks to be us watching you go through this. Never did we imagine still having our adult children at home, where many of you are. Leaving home and sharing an apartment with twelve other underemployed people does not make a home although it might qualify as a frat house.

That's when I go back to the idea of hope. Hope is what made it possible for the Pilgrims to cross the Atlantic to get here. Hope is what led thousands to march on Washington for Civil Rights. Hope is what kept same sex couples fighting to have their unions legally recognized through marriage. Most of all hope and action is what we need to create a better future, despite all the rantings of the political pundits. It's time to take that self esteem we crammed into you to create a better future and if that means striking out on your own to form your own business, you should do it. A real maverick takes chances. Nevertheless the biggest gamble they make is on themselves to prove they have the right stuff to design their destiny. If you build it, they will come.

What's Weight Got To Do With It?

After a great weekend with my sweetie and his cutie pie daughter, I headed to Penn Station to head back to Long Island. As I waited , I strolled through the magazine store when the cover of the latest issue of Life & Style caught my eye. The headline screamed Desperate to be Skinny with several photos of Angelina Jolie along with a photo of Bethenny Frankel (a rear shot of her in a bikini, spine protruding) and Leann Rimes (looking even skinnier in skinny jeans)

The entertainment industry watches weight like stockbrokers watch the Dow Jones. It's on constant alert for a surge or loss of weight when it comes to female stars. I won't say that they don't talk about men but it doesn't compare to women in Hollywood. In fact Entertainment tonight nearly devoted its entire show to Hollywood Weight Wars http://www.etonline,com/gallery/featured/116240_Hollywood_Weight_Wars/index.html with a gallery of stars with a luminary  like Oprah (who's struggles with her weight have been front and center for years) to Jennifer Hudson. Oprah is the richest woman in the world, Jennifer Hudson is a Grammy and Oscar winning actress, Angelina Jolie is another Oscar winning actress and Bethenny Frankel (love her or hate her) is a business and branding success story. Is it any wonder that women of all ages struggle with what they see in the mirror? More importantly, we need to send a message to young girls so they will aspire to do more than try to land a man, modeling gig or reality show by being the prettiest girl in the room. Why not show them women who are engineers, architects, professors, doctors or lawyers? What's wrong with that? What's weight got to do with that kind of success? Don't forget, pretty fades but no one can take your degree away.

From the time we are little girls (Barbie dolls and the like) the unsaid message is all about being pretty. Then as teenagers when we're already fighting hormone changes and breakouts it's all about being one of the it girls. No one asked the average size girls out because they were considered fat. In fact I know women (including me) who would give their eye teeth to go back in time and tell their younger selves they were not fat, they were hot. Because damn it, I was and I didn't know it.

Now that I am north of forty, I've become more comfortable with my body. I've been through a few physical challenges that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but it taught me valuable lessons about the fragility of life.
The life you knew can change on a dime with a reading of test results. Just this morning I read that Guiliana Rancic will undergo a double mastectomy after her lumpectomy didn't remove all the cancer. Here is a woman who's the epitome of an American success story. She has a great job on E, a great husband, a show on the Style network, access to designers and celebrities all before the age of forty. Yet her life has been touched by cancer and she's had to make adjustments. As a cancer survivor, I feel for her. I truly hope she gets a clean bill of health.


Moreover, being thin doesn't make you less likely to have personal problems (love life, marriage, dating or cheating significant others ). I'm not saying that full figured women have it any easier in that area, but love and heart break are equal opportunity. 

However, I believe change begins with one person and sets off a chain reaction. I am all for being healthy and doing what you can to promote better health but  I would love to challenge the morning shows to one week without a weight segment. That means no stories on how much a celebrity has lost (with Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers etc) or gained. Instead focus on well adjusted women who are living their lives in a healthy matter with no focus on tag or scale numbers because as women we are more than the sum of our parts 

In terms of doing my part, I am teaming with Sheri Collins to write Down That Aisle: A Celebration of Romance & Style for Curvy Brides. We recently launched a search for curvy brides to be in the Tri-State area to help curvy brides shop for their wedding gowns without trauma. We are doing a companion we series which we pitched the series to WE TV, Oxygen, Style and Bravo. We are waiting to see which one of them will take a chance and actually put two average size women (size 14 and 18) on television without a treadmill in sight. I will keep you posted

Tis The Season To Remember

This morning when I flipped my calendar over, I couldn't believe that it's December. Growing up it seemed like Christmas took its time to get here but now that many of us are parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents, the holidays sneak up us on and our wallets much more quickly.
Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, the meaning of the season gets lost in a hail of one day specials and sales. People will put themselves into hock just to get the latest toy, gadget or outfit for the people on their shopping list.

As I watch the growing disparity between the rich, poor and middle class, I can't help but think about what's happening in Washington while the majority of us are tightening our belts..The statement that Nero fiddled while Rome burned comes to mind.

In a country where we practically worship youth, we don't seem to pay attention to what will happen to us as we age. People who were born at the tail end of the Baby Boomer era are beginning to hit fifty. While those born in the beginning of Generation X are beginning to hit their mid-forties (yours truly included) in either case we are beginning to look at Social Security and what will happen when we reach the age to receive the benefits. Will it be there for us? Moreover will ir be there for our children?

Over the next year we will hear countless debates about Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid as entitlement programs that should be cut in order to bring our national debt under control. But the truth is people on fixed incomes (Social Security, Social Security Disability and SSI) are not sitting at home eating Porterhouse steaks, sipping on champagne or driving around in the newest Mercedes model., they are at home facing decisions like should they buy food or pay for medication. If they had a choice to be well enough to work and earn a living, I can assure you they'd do it in a heartbeat.

I have MS. It's a progressive form so it's likely that I will be in a wheelchair in ten years. That is not to say that I've given up. I am doing everything I possibly can to stay on my feet with my trusty third leg (crutch). One medication costs in excess of 3500.00 per month. That's not a typo. In fact it doesn't include the money I have to spend on medications to help control pain and the orthotics I need to help me with foot drop (that's dragging your foot when you walk).

With the other costs associated with living in New York (or anywhere else for that matter), I have to limit my Christmas spending.so I can pay the utilities, oil and food. So when I hear that a millionaire won a lottery jackpot or that the Khardashians made more money in 2011 than several A-list celebrities combined, I get a little ticked off. Indeed how can we get ahead here in America? I'm not ready to put my life under the microscope for all to see. Instead I use my brain to write.

I've written and had ten books published. You would think that would put me in the Steele, Patterson and King neck of the woods but it hasn't. Like a number of writers, I have to compete with television reality show personalities du jour and celebrities  to get a book deal.  Nearly every Real Housewife has used the show to promote their platform. I'm not mad at them for that. But wasn't it Andy Warhol that said everyone would have 15 minutes of fame? It seems these 'stars' have hit the snooze button for more than an hour. I will admit it occasionally grates my nerves.

However, when I allow those feelings to pass, I remember what this season is all about. It's about giving and not just presents. It's about donating time to shelters, helping elderly neighbors out, sharing a meal with family and all of the things you can't wrap up with a bow.. Keep this in mind and we'll be giving our loved ones something they will always remember and treasure long after the tree comes down and all the ornaments have been put away.